Michael K. Meyerhoff, EdD
As we put another Christmas season into the past, I once again find myself feeling deeply dismayed about the now annual phenomenon of the "must have" toy. From the Cabbage Patch dolls of two decades ago to the Tickle Me Elmo of today, it seems that we can't get through the month of December without watching multitudes of mothers and fathers expending huge amounts of time, energy, and money in a desperate attempt to obtain some highly popular yet agonizingly scarce item for their little ones.
Some of the stories are really scary. I don't know if it's true, but I heard about a local television station in Wisconsin that told its audience a plane full of precious dolls would be flying over Green Bay at 5:00 AM on a Sunday morning and would be dropping some of its cargo into the parking lot of the stadium where the Packers play their home football games. Those who wanted the dolls were instructed to be present at the appointed time and to hold their credit cards in the air so customer service people in the plane could take aerial photographs and bill them later. Reportedly, more than 300 mothers and fathers stood in below zero weather at the crack of dawn holding high their pieces of plastic.
I do know for a fact that a local radio station in Chicago conducted a giveaway in which listeners could call in for a chance to choose between a dollar or a thousand dollars. I don't know the exact numbers, but I heard that despite the fact that the retail price of the doll is less than fifty bucks, many of the callers who got through opted for the doll instead of the dollars, claiming that they would have to pay more than that on various Internet auction sites.
As ludicrous and potentially erroneous as these stories may be, they are not hard to believe. That the phenomenon of the "must have" toy has become an accepted part of our culture is extremely disturbing. Parents who participate in such nonsense may have convinced themselves that they are ensuring the their children's happiness, but the reality is that they are seriously damaging the mental health of the next generation.
Sigmund Freud himself would be the first to point this out. While his rather bizarre psychosexual theory of development has generally fallen into disfavor, his descriptions and explanations of the three components of personality remain well respected a century after they were first introduced. According to Freud, as we go through life, our actions are governed by the interaction of our Id, Ego, and Superego. The Id represents our desires, the Superego represents the requirements and expectations of society, and the Ego represents the rational decision maker. You can think of the Id as the devil on one shoulder, the Superego as the angel on the other shoulder, and the Ego as the guy stuck in the middle.
Despite the way the term is used in the common vernacular, a strong Ego is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean one has a swelled head. Instead, it indicates that an individual is able to maintain a proper and healthy behavioral balance. If the Id is in control, then you have a self-centered jerk who will trample on the rights of others to get whatever he wants. If the Superego is in control, then you have a timid nerd who is afraid to have any fun. However, if the Ego is in charge, then you have an individual who can enjoy life in a sensible and responsible manner. In other words, you have an Ego that can figure out how to satisfy the Id without upsetting the Superego.
It is critically important to understand that the job of the Ego is not to deny the Id. The Superego may want to crush the Id with an overly strict conscience, so the Ego has to ensure that the Id does get what it wants. But it also is critically important to understand that although the Ego is the Id's protector, it is not the Id's partner. The Id may determine what is wanted, but the Ego determines how and when it will be obtained, and that decision is made with all due respect to the Superego. And the bottom line is that the Ego typically has to tell the Id, "I'll get you what you want, but you'll have to wait a while."
Freud formalized this in two principles. He talks about the Pleasure Principle, which is defined as the Id's boundless drive for immediate gratification. The Id wants what it wants when it wants it. The Ego operates on the Reality Principle, which is defined as the capacity to delay gratification. And it is not a coincidence that he pairs "delayed gratification" with "reality." In the real world, you can't always get what you want when you want it, and if you're going to enjoy good mental health, you're going to have to learn to deal with that.
Children possess a fully formed Id from birth, but it is up to their parents to help them develop an Ego and Superego. Unfortunately, many modern parents feel it is their job to simply feed their children's Id. Instead of telling their kids that an item is unavailable or too expensive, they seem compelled to instantly satisfy their children's desires at any cost. As a result, the children grow up with a severely distorted idea of what is possible and appropriate.
As noted earlier, the phenomenon of the "must have" toy began about two decades ago with the Cabbage Patch dolls. And the consequences have become increasingly clear. Psychologists routinely perform a simple test with children as young as three or four years old. They tell the children they can have one piece of candy right now, or they can have five pieces of candy if they are willing to wait a few minutes. It used to be that most children waited patiently for the bigger payoff. In recent years, an increasing percentage of kids are grabbing for the single goody.
More alarming is what's going on with the Cabbage Patch generation now that they are young adults in their mid-twenties. They have everything they could possibly want, from loaded-with-special-features cell phones to late model sports cars to elaborately furnished apartments with big-screen high-definition televisions. They also are setting records for credit card debt and bankruptcy filings. And while these young adults may have higher degrees from top-notch universities, many of them are not being hired because employers have sensed feelings of entitlement. These young folks want the high-paying supervisory positions right away and are offended when they are told they have to spend a certain amount of time "learning the ropes" and "paying their dues."
I have personally witnessed some of these over-indulged 25 or 26 year olds experience personal disaster. As their precious cars are being repossessed, a store clerk informs them their plastic card has reached its limit, or an employer tells them they are not getting the job, they stand there with a look of disbelief, steadfastly insist there must be some mistake, and then adamantly demand more time, more credit, or more consideration. What is really sad is the puzzled look on their face when they receive the reply of a laugh and the sneering admonition to "get real."
I am sure that there will be another "must have" toy next Christmas. But I hope that more parents will come to their senses and elect not to participate in the phenomenon. As a parent, it is more important to focus on what your children need instead of what they want. It is difficult to see your children suffer disappointment, and it is hard to hear them complain that they are the only ones without a Tickle Me Elmo, X-Box, Blackberry, or the list goes on. But no one ever said being a good parent is easy. And, believe me, whatever temporary discomfort you feel when you say "no" or "not now" will be far outweighed by the ever-lasting pride and joy you will experience when you see your children develop into sensible, responsible adults - and possibly the only ones among their peers who possess a strong, healthy Ego.
Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D., is executive director of The Epicenter Inc., "The Education for Parenthood Information Center," a family advisory and advocacy agency located in Lindenhurst, Illinois. He may be contacted via e-mail at epicntrinc@aol.com.
Advertisement
Whole Life Insurance
Calorie Counter
Online Calorie Counter with Diet and Nutrition information personalized for you.
Online Calorie Counter with Diet and Nutrition information personalized for you.
May not be reproduced in any format without written permission.
