Michael K. Meyerhoff EdD
These days, often due to divorce, many children have a mother and father who are not husband and wife. And, there are increasing occasions when when people decide to become parents without previously or eventually deciding to become spouses. So for various reasons, "separate parenting" has become more widely practiced.
Tragically, it rarely works out very well. It is usually extremely difficult for the parents to work out a satisfactory arrangement, and even more difficult for them to fully abide by whatever arrangement is made. And when the situation is problematical for them, this inevitably causes the children to suffer.
Now, before I proceed, I need to point out a couple of things. First, research overwhelmingly concludes that unfortunate things can happen to kids when they are subjected to separate parenting. But the research never seems to consider how much worse things might have been if the parents married when they didn't want to, or if they remained in an unhealthy marriage. So while separate parenting probably is not an ideal relationship goal, it certainly is not something that should be avoided at all costs.
Second, research conclusions are based on statistics. But, the nice thing about human beings and their relationships is that there are always plenty of exceptions to whatever conclusions the research produces. Yes, separate parenting is very tough to pull off. Nevertheless, there are people who manage to do it effectively, if not easily. What follows is advice from those individuals who have succeeded at separate parenting despite the odds.
Joint Custody is a Bad Idea
On the surface, it seems like joint custody is a great idea. And for a while, judges routinely decreed that both parents would be awarded equal custody of the children after a divorce. But if you think about it, this really doesn't make much sense. If those folks couldn't come to amicable agreements when they were married, what makes them able to do it after the divorce? The kids typically ended up in the middle of a bitter tug of war and/or were forced to pursue a double life in which they were bounced back and forth between two worlds that were at odds with each other.
Most judges now consider joint custody to be a failed experiment and are far more likely to award full or at least primary custody to one of the parents. Of course, the decision often generates anger and resentment in the other parent. If sole/primary custody seems unfair or too imbalanced, remember the story in the bible about King Solomon and the baby who had two women claiming to be his mother. Solomon offered to cut the child in half, and the one who truly loved the kid volunteered to back off in order to save his life. Once parents acknowledge how difficult it will be for their child to feel divided in two, it might be easier for a parent to accept a partial or limited role. And once that parent has accepted that role, s/he can start the process of making the most of it.
The Parent-Parent Relationship Should Not Contaminate The Parent-Child
Relationship
These days, often due to divorce, many children have a mother and father who are not husband and wife. And, there are increasing occasions when when people decide to become parents without previously or eventually deciding to become spouses. So for various reasons, "separate parenting" has become more widely practiced. It is critically important that they do not allow their problems to become their child's problems. Putting a child in the middle of disputes and forcing him to "choose sides" is unconscienable, as is poisoning the child's relationship with the other parent as an act of aggression or revenge.
Most people would never intentionally do these things. Regrettably, those involved in separate parenting often end up doing these things sooner or later. Feelings of bitterness and betrayal are hard to suppress. I've seen many a young bride in tears because her father refused to attend her wedding "because that witch will be there," or her mother refused to attend "because he will be there with that hussy of his." And it is often just one more in a long line of tragedies for the child engendered by the inability and/or disinclination of the parents to get along with each other.
Stifle yourself. Judge Judy was a family court judge for many years before she became a television personality. After seeing the agony suffered by so many children who were forced to choose sides and/or were fed interpersonal poison, she summed up her recommendations with the simple phrase, "You have to love your kids more than you hate each other."
Separate Parents Should Mind Their Own Business
When two people are husband and wife, they act as a team in parenting and all other matters. But if the parents are not a team, it is not a good idea for them to act like one. Of course, common courtesy and cooperation should be practiced when possible and appropriate. However, things only get complicated when mother and father - usually with the best of intentions - inappropriately attempt to be "partners" and support each other no matter what.
For instance, let's say Mom has primary custody, and Dad is remiss about following through on his promise to take the kids every other weekend. Mom tries to assuage their feelings of disappointment and redeem Dad by making excuses on his behalf. Mom should stay out of it. If the kids ask why Dad failed to show up, instead of saying something like "Your father is a busy man with a lot of responsibilities," Mom should reply, "You'll have to ask him." As long as both parents have decided to pursue parenting as separate entities, each must be wholly responsible for maintaining a good relationship with the children and each must be exclusively responsible for answering to any complaints about performance.
Separate Parents Should Faithfully Abide By Any And All Agreements
Whatever hardship was involved in coming to an arrangement and/or accepting an arrangement, it is imperative that both parties carry out whatever roles and responsibilities they have as a result of that arrangement. Life is unpredictable and stuff happens unexpectedly, but children thrive on consistency and confidence, and separate parents are already skating on thin ice.
Parents can tell their child, "I will always love you no matter what." However, in the case of divorce, an older child knows his parents once made the same verbal assurance to each other and didn't stick to it. Consequently, separate parents can't rely on words to assure their children. Through their actions , they have to continually convince their child that he can, indeed, trust them to be the parents they say they intend to be.
A Separate Parent Should Focus On
Being A Good Parent, Not the Better
Parent
If the mother and father are not a team, they tend to be competitors. And children are naturally inclined to play one off against the other. Therefore, it is extremely tempting to curry favor with the kids by being "nicer" or "cooler" than the other parent - especially if a parent is not the one with primary custody who has to constantly worry about the effects of flimsy rules and regulations that are not persistently enforced. However, while letting the kids stay up past their established bedtime or allowing them view an R-rated movie may earn a parent some short-term points, it is a losing strategy in the long run. Children ultimately love and respect someone who behaves like a parent, not someone who is simply a patsy.
Separate Parents Should Work Hard To Maintain Good Communication
Good communication obviously is at the heart of any good relationship. But communication between parent and child is not all that easy. While a separate parent can assume that a spouse, sibling, friend, or other developmental peer will know what he's going through or understand how he feels, that assumption is unrealistic when it comes to kids. Children have no way to relate to their parents' experience, and their mental processes are distinctly different.
Consequently, separate parents have to take the time and make the effort to talk to their children about the situation and their sentiments. And they should not make the mistake of avoiding the subject as long as things are going well. Preventing problems is always easier and more effective than trying to solve them. To the extent that a parent can get inside his child's head and permit him entry into theirs on a regular basis, parents can anticipate difficulties, adjust to changing circumstances, and keep their parent-child relationship running as smoothly as possible.
Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D., is executive director of The Epicenter Inc., "The Education for Parenthood Information Center," a family advisory and advocacy agency located in Lindenhurst, Illinois. He may be contacted via e-mail at epicntrinc@aol.com.
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