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Cynthia MacGregor "Mommy, what happened to Great-Grandpa?" That's a tough question to answer when Great-Grandpa has died and when this is your child's first experience with death. It's difficult enough to tell a child that someone he loves has "gone away forever" - whatever words you put it in - but to have to explain the concept of death itself to a child for the first time is even more difficult. This is an article whose information I hope you don't need to use for a long time... but inevitably, in every family, a death happens and needs an explanation. It may be the next-door neighbor, or a teacher, or it may indeed be Great-Grandpa. Your child may be four, or seven, or nine years old. But sooner or later, however old your child and whoever has died, you're going to have to deal with telling your child that someone she knew and perhaps loved isn't going to be around anymore. And if this is his or her first experience with death, you're going have to explain the whole concept of death to her. It's not an easy concept to explain. A simile I have used before - both in real life and in my book for little kids, Why Do People Die? - is that people's bodies can get worn out just like sneakers. When sneakers get old and well-worn, they are used up and won't work right anymore. And that happens to people's bodies too. Eventually the parts of the body just stop working. The heart stops beating. The lungs stop breathing. The body is worn out. And the person stops being alive. It's a difficult concept for a small child to wrap his or her mind around, especially if he has never had any experience with death (such as the death of a pet). There are some things you want to make sure he understands, though. The first thing is that Great-Grandpa did not die on purpose and leave him behind thoughtlessly. You want to make sure the child understands that death is not an option that Great-Grandpa chose. He didn't desert the child. He didn't choose to go away. The second thing is not to confuse the child with comparisons to sleeping. Some parents will say, "He's asleep forever," or "He went to sleep, but he won't ever wake up." Such comparisons can easily frighten a child. She may well think, "What if I go to sleep tonight and I don't ever wake up again?" This very scary thought can lead to sleep disturbances or sleep resistance in a child... and with good reason. So do not liken death to sleep in explaining it to your child. Which brings us to yet another concern in explaining death to kids: That is that explaining death to them might engender fear that this might happen to them. (I don't mean some day when they're very old, but now.) Let's get back to the sneaker analogy we were talking about a minute ago. The comparison of worn-out bodies and worn-out sneakers works better, of course, if the person who died was indeed Great-Grandpa (or some other person of a comparable age). Then, not only does the sneaker simile work, but (along with your reassurance that Great-Grandpa, like the sneakers, was very old and his body badly worn out), it can be explained as something that happens to very old people. But what if the person who died was Aunt Courtney, your 32-year-old sister? If your child has ever had a shirt, pair of jeans, or other clothing that didn't last as long as it should but wore out prematurely, you can—if it's appropriate to the cause of death and to the child's age and level of understanding—remind him of that and say that's what happened to Aunt Courtney: Her body wore out unexpectedly early. Or, if this is the case, you can say that Aunt Courtney got very sick with a very bad serious illness—not something like a cold or a tummyache or anything your child has ever experienced. You want to stress this point, because otherwise your child might fear that the next little sniffle or other bug he gets is a precursor of death like what happened to Aunt Courtney. Naturally, it's not only the prospect of his or her own death that can concern your child. It's also the possibility that you (or your child's other parent) will die and leave him motherless or fatherless. For a very young child, a simple promise of "I'm not going anywhere and neither is Daddy" should suffice. For a child old enough to reason that "Aunt Courtney didn't plan to die either," reassurance that "I'm in good health and take care of myself, and very very very very few people my age die!" may be sufficient to ease his concerns. Of course, if Aunt Courtney died as the result of an automobile crash, some other form of possibly preventable accident, or some self-induced harm (such as drug addiction), you can point out that her death, though unfortunate, teaches a lesson: "This is why it's important to cross the street carefully." "This is why I always drive safely, and when you grow up, you need to drive safely too." "This is why I take care of my body by eating right, getting exercise, and getting enough sleep, and why I try to make sure that you do those things too." "This is why you need to always buckle your seat belt in the car." What if your child asks, "What happens to someone after they die?" The answer is going to depend not only on your child's age but on your personal and religious beliefs. Do you believe in heaven? In reincarnation? Neither of the above? If you believe in heaven, you can certainly say, "The person goes to heaven to live with God and the angels." Reincarnation may be difficult to explain to a four-year-old, but an eight-year-old can grasp the concept. And even with a four-year-old, you can try explaining that some people believe that the spirit of a dead person goes into a new baby that's waiting to be born. Uncertain yourself? You can honestly answer, "No one knows for sure. Some people believe the person's soul goes to heaven. Other people believe other things. Nobody can be certain. And Great-Grandpa can't come back to tell us." Should you bring a child to a funeral or other memorial service? That depends on the child's age, on how sensitive he is, on what type of service it's going to be... and on whether it's to feature an open or closed coffin. I personally am strongly against letting small kids view the deceased person lying in the coffin. Even with a closed coffin, the sight and sound of many grownups crying may be more than a small child is ready to handle, as may other aspects of the service. You have to make the final call on this one; you best know your own child's emotional makeup, as well as his or her age. Even if the child doesn't attend the funeral, you can tell him what a funeral is: a religious service at which a clergyperson, and maybe some other people too (maybe you're going to be one of them), gets up and says nice things about the person who died, and says some prayers too. Another thing parents say to kids that may be disconcerting is, "Great-Grandpa is in heaven now, but he's certainly looking down and watching you." The idea of being watched at every moment—even when the child thinks she's alone and is doing something private—may not be the comforting thought you intended it to be. The child may believe that both God and Santa Claus watch over her actions, but both God and Santa have so many people to watch... while Great-Grandpa is focussed on the family. Did he see me pick my nose? Is he watching when I rub myself between my legs? What about when I was in front of my mirror, trying to look like my stuck-up older sister? I didn't mean for anyone to see that! Two more thoughts that you should emphasize to your child—of any age: The first is that it's all right to cry. Of course he misses Great-Grandpa or Aunt Courtney. This is not the time to "be brave" and hold back the tears. Let them flow. It's all right. No one is going to criticize him for crying. He loved Great-Grandpa, he's going to miss Great-Grandpa, and it's perfectly all right for him to cry about Great-Grandpa dying. (Even if the person who died was nice Ms. Miller next door, he's allowed to cry. Death is a Big Thing—and at least a little bit scary—and it's perfectly all right for him to cry. Remember, he's probably not crying only because Ms. Miller died. He's just gotten his first intimation of his own mortality... and yours.) The other thought is that, though Great-Grandpa is gone, his memory lives on in your child's heart, and in the heart of everyone who remembers Great-Grandpa and loved or even just liked him. Family, friends, people who used to know him at work, neighbors, fishing buddies or people he used to play cards or golf or go bowling with... everyone who remembers him feels sad now that he's gone, but everyone has stories they remember about Great-Grandpa. Encourage your child to remember his stories too... and perhaps to put them down on paper as well. (If he's too young to write them himself, he can dictate them to you.) Empower your child to help keep memories of Great-Grandpa alive through remembering him, telling stories about him, and maybe even writing those stories down. This will leave him feeling there's something positive he can do for himself... and for Great-Grandpa. And that will help him to cope with the loss. Author of over 50 published books (and still going strong), Cynthia MacGregor writes on many subjects, but the majority of her books are aimed either at parents or at kids. Some of her books tackle "difficult" topics, such as two books written for kids that explain divorce and one that deals with stepfamilies, one for little kids that explains death, and another for little kids that explain's Mom's new pregnancy. But she also writes on happier subjects, as in The "I Love You" Book, and with a sense of humor when it's called for, as in What Do You Know About Manners? A former New Yorker, Cynthia has lived in South Florida since 1984 Articles on the Same Topic Alcohol and Auto Deaths Childhood Deaths |
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