Cynthnia MacGregor
Congratulations! You're pregnant again! You're ecstatic, and your husband is overjoyed... but what about your child? Not the one on the way, but the one who's already here and is about to be an older brother or sister to the boy or girl who's soon to join the family. How and when and what are you going to tell her, and what will her attitude be?
This isn't an article about how to explain that "the dad plants a seed..." the simplified basics of reproduction for young kids. We will talk briefly about explaining to your child about the baby growing in a special place in Mom's tummy. But for the most part, this article is more interested in attitudes... how your child is going to feel about the new member of the family.
For the purposes of this article, let's assume that your older child is a girl, and that the baby-to-be is a boy. Will your daughter view the new baby as an exciting new addition to the family... or as an interloper who's going to take away some of Mom's and Dad's attention and love?
The reality, of course, is that both these views are true. But it's your job to get your daughter to focus on the positives, not the negatives, in advance of the baby's birth.
How?
One time-honored means is by pointing out that now she's going to be the big girl in the family. Almost all little kids want to be "big kids," and your pointing out that now she's going to be an older sister, the big child in the family, is sure to appeal to her.
It's a position of responsibility. Despite disliking chores, kids like responsibility when it makes them feel important. And also, as the older child, she'll always have more privileges than her brother will. She'll be able to stay up later. She'll be allowed to cross the street by herself before he will. And there will be other things she'll be permitted to do before he will.
Point out that you're counting on her to be your helper, to help you with the baby and to help you in other ways when you're busy with the baby. (At age four, of course, there's a limit to how much real help she can provide. But even if the help turns out to be the mundane and hated task of cleaning her room, cast in the light of "helping Mommy," that dreaded chore may suddenly seem almost appealing.) And there are other real things even a two-year-old can do to help: "Please bring me a diaper for the baby. The box is over there on the floor." "You can wipe the baby's mouth after I feed him his cereal."
You can make your daughter feel needed and important in advance, with statements such as, "You're going to be very important to the baby... and you'll be even more important to us than you are now, because you'll be helping us so much."
If the child you're expecting is your third, your oldest child already knows about pregnancy and babies, and has long since relinquished her position as "only child" to the baby who followed; it is now that second child's turn to learn about why Mommy's tummy is growing (or is about to), and what new excitement lies ahead. And this second-born never was an "only," so you're not asking him or her to give up the specialness of being the one-and-only child in the family.
But assuming this pregnancy is your second, you're not only asking your daughter to share you and her father with the new baby but to give up her special position as "only child," a real center of attention. What compensation can you offer her in exchange?
You can tell her the baby will be fun for her to play with... once he gets a little older. (You may need to point out that he won't be able to play Old Maid or Go Fish with her when he's born... but that day will come eventually.) She'll be able to teach him all her favorite games and play them with him. (Though of course, if indeed he's a boy, he's unlikely to want to join her in playing dress-up by putting on Mommy's clothes!) Now, when she wants to play house, she'll have someone to play the baby without having to rely on a doll to assume that role. And when she wants to play a boxed game and neither your nor your husband is available to play, she'll have her brother to play with her... in a few years, of course.
And her brother will look up to her because she's older and smarter. She'll be able to teach him everything from how to play catch to how to behave. ("Of course," you might add, "you don't have to tell him everything you know. If you have some real good hiding places for playing Hide 'n' Seek, you can keep them a secret from him so you can hide there when he's 'It'." The idea of having secrets from her brother and being smarter than him is sure to appeal to her.)
By now, your daughter may be all revved up over the prospect of having a baby brother. But if she still harbors doubts, if she still hasn't warmed to the idea of having to share your love with another child, this is a good point to introduce the apple pie simile to her. The apple pie simile? Yes... or rather, whatever the opposite of a simile is. The point, you see, is that love isn't like an apple pie.
If you cut an apple pie in two pieces, each piece is huge-half of the pie, in fact. If you cut it in four pieces, each piece is still pretty big, but not as big as a half is. Cut it in six pieces, and each piece is still smaller. Divide it into eight or ten pieces, and each piece is pretty thin indeed. The more pieces you divide it into, the less each person gets.
But love's not like that. There's an absolutely unending supply. You can love your child and your husband and your own parents and other relatives and your best friend... and still have plenty of love left in you. Add another child... the baby in your tummy... and you've still got plenty of love left in you. You won't love your daughter even a tiny smidgen less. You have an unending supply of love. Love is not like an apple pie. No matter how many people share it, there's always plenty for everyone.
Of course, your daughter will get less of your attention, once your son is born, but you don't need to point that out to her now. Concentrate on the fact that she won't get any less of your love. And that's an absolute fact.
And if your child points out... now or later on, after the baby is born... that she has to share your time and attention with the baby, there's an answer for that, too: Tell her it's true, but it's also true that you're sharing the baby with her. You let her hold her brother, talk to her brother, perhaps push him in his carriage... (Just what you let her do will depend on how old she is, of course.) You're sharing the baby with her, just as she's sharing you with the baby. What goes around comes around. Because, after all, this new baby is her baby too! He's her very own little brother!
Some kids get put out by Mom's pregnancy for a different reason: Your child may feel that she's not good enough for you. If she were, you wouldn't need to have another baby. You'd be content with just her. A common but flawed rejoinder to this line of thinking is, "We love you so much that we decided we wanted another child, too." By that standard of thinking, since Mommy and Daddy love each other so much, Mommy should marry a few more husbands, and Daddy should take on a few more wives! And maybe your child should go out and look for a second mommy! A better answer is: "We always hoped to have more than one child. That was the plan even before you were born."
Unless she's overheard conversation about the impending arrival and is starting to wonder and perhaps ask questions, it may be easier to postpone telling her until your pregnancy is beginning to show. Then you can explain to her that the reason your tummy is getting bigger is because her brother is growing inside you... "in a special place that mommies have in their tummies, just for babies to grow." (When I was little, and my mom first explained pregnancy to me, she left out the part about the "special place," and I envisioned the baby getting all mixed up with butterscotch pudding and string beans.)
One last issue that has to do with the mechanics of pregnancy rather than with attitudes: She may say, "But I don't want a brother! I want a sister!" (Or vice-versa.) You need to explain to her that this is something you have no control over. This isn't like a restaurant, where you can choose what you want, or the meat case at the supermarket, where you can get exactly what you're looking for. You have no control over the baby's sex, hair color, eye color, or eventual abilities. Will he be good at sports? Will he be good at telling funny jokes? Will he be a good reader, once he goes to school? Will he be able to make up good stories? Will he draw pretty pictures? You have no more control over any of this than your daughter does. It's all going to be a surpriseÑto all of you. You're not even sure exactly when he will be born. You only know approximately when you expect it to happen.
But it's a big, exciting, important event... almost as exciting and important as when she was born. Not quite, but almost.
"Now let's start getting ready for the baby. Do you want to help me fix the room up for him? You're going to be so much help to me with the baby, aren't you? I'm counting on you. I'm so glad we have you... you're going to be a wonderful older sister!"
Author of over 50 published books (and still going strong), Cynthia MacGregor writes on many subjects, but the majority of her books are aimed either at parents or at kids. Some of her books tackle "difficult" topics, such as two books written for kids that explain divorce and one that deals with stepfamilies, one for little kids that explains death, and another for little kids that explain's Mom's new pregnancy. But she also writes on happier subjects, as in The "I Love You" Book, and with a sense of humor when it's called for, as in What Do You Know About Manners? A former New Yorker, Cynthia has lived in South Florida since 1984