Cynthia MacGregor
The current term is "blended families." I like to call them "jigsaw-puzzle families." Whatever name you want to call them by, there's no disputing there are more of them now than ever: families created by taking a mom and her kids from one former family, a dad and his kids from another family, and putting them all together. But these "blended families" don't always blend as easily as a fruitshake in a kitchen blender. The discrete parts of these "jigsaw-puzzle families" don't always fit together with quite the ease of a five-piece toddler puzzle. And no wonder: These are human beings, not peaches and milk, not the parts of a carefully created play toy.
How can you get the parts to fit together as easily as possible?
There's no one-size-fits-all simple answer because jigsaw-puzzle families aren't one-size-fits-all.
• Both halves of the couple may have formerly been divorced, or one might be widowed or even never-married.
• Both might have kids living with him or her, or one might be childless, or one might have kids who come to visit but whose primary residence is with their other parent.
• The couple may have similar or dissimilar views on child-rearing, or on certain aspects of bringing up kids.
• If both have kids, the kids might be of similar ages to each other, or one parent might be the parent of a toddler while the other is the parent of two teens.
• Two kids of comparable ages might also share a great many interests, or one might be an all-out sports fanatic while the other is a total computer genius.
If you're planning to blend with another family unit, here are some things it would be best to discuss in advance if possible:
• If the kids are going to share rooms, is it best if they share "my two together and your two together" or the two youngest together and the two oldest together? (The sexes of the kids will play into the answer to this one, too.)
• How will we handle it when my kids spend a weekend with their father, but your kids don't get to see their mother? (Because she's not alive; because she lives across the country; because she's been declared unfit; because she travels a lot on business.)
• How will we reconcile bedtimes? My kids are used to going to bed at 8:00, and yours are used to staying up till 9:00.
• What about other rules? You require your kids to eat everything on their plates. I don't. I insist homework be done before the kids play. You like to give them an hour's play break after school before they start their homework.
• What about pets? My daughter has a cat. Your son is allergic to cats. What do we do about that? (Find a home for Fluffy and allow the daughter to adopt a pair of hamsters instead?)
Whatchamacallhim
Now here's another question: What do you teach your kids to call their new stepparent? Almost certainly the kids already got to know the person you're planning to marry some time before the marriage was planned, and his or her kids got to know you. (One exception that comes to mind is the case of a dad whose kids live halfway across the country and who haven't come for a visit since you and he have been seeing each other. They know about you and may even have talked to you on the phone or exchanged emails with you, but you've never seen each other face-to-face, never hugged each other, never spent a day together.)
Chances are your kids have been calling your new spouse by his first name for some time now, and his kids have been calling you by your first name. If you're comfortable with that, you can continue on a first-name basis. Their calling you "Courtney" instead of "Mom" won't make them love you or respect you any less. Or they can call you "Mama Courtney," "Mommy C," or a diminutive like "C-C." Similarly your kids can call your new husband "Pop" or "Papa" or some other substitute for "Dad" or "Daddy," they can call him "Dad Alan," or they can come up with a funny nickname.
Stepparents sometimes get called by "Aunt" or "Uncle." This is confusing to a small child, but it works for some families.
Remember, though, that what they call you or your new spouse is only a matter of nomenclature. The names "Mom" and "Dad neither indicate nor foster either love or respect. And the choice of some other name doesn't indicate or foster a lack of love or respect.
A child whose other parent is still alive and involved in the child's life may be unwilling to call his new stepparent "Dad" or even "Pop-Pop." Respect that. If the child feels that to do so is to dishonor his own father (or even the memory of his late father), honor his feelings.
What of the child who feels that simply loving your new spouse is disrespectful to the child's other parent? If your ex is helpful and not playing games, try to elicit his help in explaining to your child that she is entitled to love both her father and her stepfather, and that loving her stepdad doesn't take away from what she feels for her biological dad (whom she probably thinks of as her "real dad").
Even if your ex won't aid you in this, you can explain to her that love isn't like a pie. With a pie, the more slices you cut it into, the smaller each slice is. But love isn't like that. You can love two parents, four parents, and a variety of other relatives and friends, and still have plenty of love for everyone. Loving her new stepdad (and step-siblings, too) doesn't take away from her love for her dad, or for you, or for her original brother or sister.
If she seems to be holding back her emotions or trust from her new stepparent, it helps if you and your new spouse understand what's behind her reticence... which likely is one or both of two factors:
• Feeling that she is being disloyal to her "real" dad/mom by accepting her new stepdad/stepmom.
• Fear that if she gets attached to this "new dad/new mom," s/he will only "go away" like her "first dad/first mom" did (moving out as the result of the divorce).
Your child may not have processed these concerns consciously. That is, she may not have consciously thought it through and may not realize that she is concerned either about what she perceives as disloyalty or about a repeat of what feels to her like a desertion. Her reactions may be very much on a gut level, not thought through or recognized at all. But you, as one of the adults in this family drama, can say to her, "You know, loving Pop Alan doesn't mean you don't love Daddy. You have plenty of love in your heart - enough for me and Daddy and Pop Alan and Grandma and Grandpa and your brothers and a whole bunch of other people too. And there's nothing wrong with loving both Daddy and Pop Alan. In a way, you're kind of lucky - you have a father and a stepdad who both love you... and you're allowed to love both of them... without feeling bad about it."
You can also say, if you think this is the problem, "I know it hurts that Daddy moved out, but remember, he didn't leave you. He still loves you; he's still in your life; he's still your dad and always will be. And his leaving had nothing to do with you. I understand that it's tough to give Pop Alan a chance, 'cause you're afraid he'll move out one day too and hurt you all over again. But Pop Alan and I love each other, and we intend to make this marriage work. Pop Alan's going to stick around. He's not going anywhere. So please try to give him a chance. OK?"
Obviously your choice of words will depend in part on the age of your child. The ways you would explain these things to a four-year-old, an eight-year-old, or a 12-year-old are different. But the basic message is the same, even though the verbiage will differ according to the child's comprehension level. Kids of all ages need the same reassurance. Even a teenager can be afraid of another "desertion" or can feel disloyal at accepting and feeling love toward a stepparent.
Fitting the pieces of a "jigsaw-puzzle family" together requires not just effort and love but understanding... understanding the emotions below the surface of all the kids involved. If they don't accept their new step-siblings, is it really because they resent sharing you with an outsider? If they don't accept their new stepparent, is it really because they resent that he is taking up your time, which formerly was focussed more on them? If your son kicks up a huge fuss over sharing a room with his new stepbrother, is the room the real issue... or is sharing his mom the real issue? Bear in mind that often the kids themselves are not aware of the emotions, the reasonings, the motivations bubbling under the surface. But with understanding, insight, patience, and careful questions gently phrased, you can usually get to the bottom of the problem and smooth the situation over.
If you expect your kids to immediately love and accept their new stepparent out of happiness to have a dad or mom in the house again, or to fit perfectly together because they got on so well with him or her while you two were simply dating, you're in for a rude shock. Blending two families is travelling a bumpy road. But it's do-able, it's worthwhile, and after a while, those jigsaw pieces will fit together seamlessly.
Author of over 50 published books (and still going strong), Cynthia MacGregor writes on many subjects, but the majority of her books are aimed either at parents or at kids. Some of her books tackle "difficult" topics, such as two books written for kids that explain divorce and one that deals with stepfamilies, one for little kids that explains death, and another for little kids that explain's Mom's new pregnancy. But she also writes on happier subjects, as in The "I Love You" Book, and with a sense of humor when it's called for, as in What Do You Know About Manners? A former New Yorker, Cynthia has lived in South Florida since 1984
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