Cynthia MacGregor
Divorce is never easy for any of the parties involved. Even in those best of all possible circumstances, the amicable divorce that both spouses agree to, there is the wrench of letting go, the feeling of failure, dealing with critical friends and relatives... myriad bumps along the road to a happy post-divorce life. But undeniably, whether your divorce is acrimonious or agreeable, sought by both partners or just one, the person hardest hit of all is the one who has no say in the proceedings or the outcome: your child (or children).
How can you "inoculate" your child against unnecessary pain from your divorce? And how can you explain divorce to him or her in the first place?
Let's take the second question first. If there's been a lot of arguing, "scenes," or other noticeable manifestations of strife or unhappiness, your child probably recognizes that "Mommy and Daddy aren't happy with each other." (And if there is strife and he doesn't recognize it as anything abnormal, then that's one more argument in favor of the divorce: By staying in a relationship based in disharmony and disrespect, arguing or sniping at each other, you are modelling a bad pattern of marital behavior that he will come to accept as the norm.) But assuming he is aware that all is not well between you, you can tell him, "We fight a lot. This isn't healthy. This doesn't make anybody happy. We're getting a divorce to put an end to the fighting."
Of course, it's possible the divorce is for a reason you shouldn't share with the child. Marital infidelity falls squarely into that category. If your spouse has a "zipper problem," this is not something to tell your child... no matter how much you want to punish your wayward spouse. And if you're the one who's been caught wandering, you should neither confess it (guilt can cause some people to make the most inappropriate confessions!) nor try to shift the blame onto your spouse for leaving you "for no reason" or "because I made a tiny mistake."
In such a case - or in any case in which the reason for the divorce is too adult or too personal for the child to know - you can tell the child just that: "This is a personal, grown-up matter between your father [or mother, if you're the dad] and me."
Now let's get back to the question of inoculating your child against unnecessary pain. Some pain is inevitable. Some pain is not. Trying to turn the child against her other parent will cause unnecessary pain. You may think your about-to-be-ex-spouse is a monster, a wretch, cruel, or worse. But you don't need to try to turn your child against your ex. In the long run, you'll hurt the child even worse than you hurt your ex.
Less obvious, and perhaps more dangerous, are misconceptions kids can have about divorce. Number One on this particular Hit Parade is the understandable fear on the child's part, "If Mommy and Daddy don't love each other anymore, are they going to stop loving me too?" Or its "close cousin," "If Mommy and Daddy don't want to live with each other anymore, are they going to not want to live with me anymore either?"
You need to make sure that your child understands that, no matter how much your feelings toward each other have changed, your feelings toward her will never change, that the kind of love a parent has for a child is a special kind of love that will never go away, not even if you temporarily get angry at her over some sort of misbehavior.
And speaking of being angry over some sort of misbehavior, there's another misconception that children often have: They think the divorce is in some way their fault. And, on two different levels at once, this is very understandable:
Level number one: Kids are very me-centric. So naturally it follows that a child whose parents are divorcing will take blame upon himself and think somehow the divorce is his fault.
Level number two plays right into that: In a household in which there is marital strife, tensions often run high. Parents, angry with each other or tense over an unhappy marital situation (such as quarrelling over one spouse having a drinking problem, gambling problem, or compulsive shopping problem), will often snap and snipe at each other... and frequently some of the anger will slosh over in the child's direction too. The normal misdeeds of childhood (a lapse in manners, a room left messy, failure to do chores or homework) will elicit an out-of-proportion response from one or both parents. Now it seems more than ever to the child that "Mommy and Daddy are unhappy with me." And who wouldn't believe that when a small misstep results in a monumental tirade or a punishment disproportionate to the "crime"?
Kids will often respond to the announcement of a divorce by bargaining: "If I keep my room neat, will Daddy stay?" "If I promise to walk King every morning, will you two please stay married?" "I promise I'll be good... don't get divorced." The child needs to have it explained to him that the divorce is not in any way the result of his actions. Otherwise he will shoulder an unfair burden of guilt: "Daddy left because I made him angry." "Mom and Dad got divorced because I didn't clean my room." You may find this incredible, but kids actually believe such things... and they don't always express them aloud. So it's your job to make sure, whether your child verbalizes such a thought or not, that he understands the divorce is in no way her fault, in no way the result of anything she did (or failed to do), even if you and/or your spouse have appeared to be more unhappy with her lately.
And after the divorce (or after the two of you are no longer living together, even if that precedes the actual final papers)?
• Don't punish your ex by withholding the child's visits. The person you'll hurt most is your child. Maybe you're still angry at your ex for the behavior that brought about the split. Maybe you're angry because he isn't paying his child support on time or because she's already dating someone else. But don't use the child as a weapon to get back at your ex. Your child needs to know that he still has easy access to both parents.
• Don't use your child as a messenger: "Tell Daddy that the child support check is late again." "Tell Mommy that she needs to pay more attention to you." "Tell Daddy to feed you better when you're at his house." Got something to say? Pick up the phone and call your ex (or use E-Mail). Your child is not Western Union. Don't use her to deliver messages.
• Don't use your child as a spy: "Who comes over to visit Mommy these days?" "Does Daddy have any new friends?" "How does Mommy spend her evenings?" "Is Daddy buying himself a lot of new things?" "Does Mommy cry a lot?" Your child does not work for the C.I.A. Don't use him to spy on his other parent.
It's easy, in the heat of anger, to lose sight of the damage you can do to your child with any of these maneuvers. And kids will often be all-too-willing participants in your little games. Left feeling puffed-up with importance for delivering valuable messages or spied information, they become complicit conspirators... but it isn't healthy for them. If you think about it honestly and fairly, you'll realize that using them to spy or to deliver messages puts them in an adversarial position with their other parent. Not a good thing.
The question is often raised: Is there really such a thing as a "good divorce"? This article doesn't presume to answer that question; what this article does posit, though, is that some divorces are more toxic than others to those most innocent bystanders, the children of the divorcing couple. Do you want to spare your child as much pain-fallout from your divorce as possible? Then please heed the advice here and remember that, no matter how angry at or hurt by your spouse and the divorce you are, your child needs your protection from both errors of commission (such as your asking her to spy or to carry messages, and your using her as a pawn in your attempts to punish your ex) and errors of omission (such as your failing to realize what some of her concerns are). Remember to reassure her that she's loved and always will be, that the divorce is in no way her fault, and that you and your ex will always treasure her, no matter how much your feelings toward each other might change.
Reassure her... and then live up to it.
Author of over 50 published books (and still going strong), Cynthia MacGregor writes on many subjects, but the majority of her books are aimed either at parents or at kids. Some of her books tackle "difficult" topics, such as two books written for kids that explain divorce and one that deals with stepfamilies, one for little kids that explains death, and another for little kids that explain's Mom's new pregnancy. But she also writes on happier subjects, as in The "I Love You" Book, and with a sense of humor when it's called for, as in What Do You Know About Manners? A former New Yorker, Cynthia has lived in South Florida since 1984
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