Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D.
Hurricanes... wildfires... tidal waves... earthquakes... terrorist bombings. It seems as if every time one turns on the television these days, there is some incredible disaster taking place somewhere in the world. It is hard enough for us to digest all this bad news, but what do we say to our children?
As always, the answer to a question like this is best formulated by taking an individual child's developmental level into account. Disasters will be perceived and processed differently, and explanations and assurances will be absorbed differently by children at different ages. Consequently, mothers and fathers must first assess their child's mindset before attempting to figure out what will be appropriate and effective.
When dealing with a child less than three years of age, the biggest problem is projection. There doesn't seem to much going on in the head of an infant or toddler, but parents often inject their own thoughts and feelings into their little one. They think, "She must be scared," or, "She must be worried." But the fact of the matter is that she probably is, at worst, temporarily upset simply because the people around her are upset. She just doesn't have the cognitive capacity to make any sense out of what is happening in the news and feels no fear, sorrow, or despair as a result.
I always think back to the "Baby Jessica" incident over 20 years ago. A two-year-old girl in Texas fell into an abandoned well in her backyard and became trapped about 100 feet underground. For two days the entire nation was transfixed by the drama that unfolded as rescue workers desperately tried to reach her. People anguished over the toddler who "must be terrified" and they prayed that if she survived, she would not be permanently traumatized by what happened.
I am happy to report that I recently saw "Baby Jessica" being interviewed. She is now a healthy and happy young adult with absolutely no recollection of the ordeal. While it was taking place, she indubitably was cold, hungry, uncomfortable, and missing her Mommy. On the other hand, she simply did not have the cognitive ability to comprehend the danger or to contemplate the potentially fatal consequences. People understandably were concerned about Jessica's physical well being, but any psychological torment they imagined that she experienced was merely a product of their own adult analysis of the situation.
Once children reach the preschool level, they are better equipped to understand some aspects of these disasters. However, their understanding remains rather limited and unsophisticated. They can clearly sense that something sad and/or scary is going on, yet they still do not have the cognitive capacity to fully appreciate the causes and/or the consequences. Therefore, at this stage, it is wise for parents to minimize their child's emotional turmoil as much as possible.
Fortunately, this is not hard to do. A child's reaction will be determined almost exclusively by what is referred to as "social referencing." She really has no idea how to respond to what is going on, so she takes her cues from the adults around her, most notably her parents. Think of a child at this age tripping and falling. If you look closely, you will notice that she doesn't react immediately. Instead, she first looks around. If her parents are rushing over screaming, "My poor baby! My poor baby!" she will soon start crying hysterically. But if her parents remain calm and say, "You're okay, pick yourself up and keep going," she will pick herself up and keep going without any undue histrionics.
So, first of all, the child's exposure to reports of what is going on should be kept to no more than is unavoidable. If she is constantly bombarded by images of adults fretting and wailing, she soon will find herself experiencing those same emotions without really understanding why. And it is imperative that her parents remain as calm as possible under the circumstances. Even if the child sees people in distress on television, her parents will retain the ultimate power to shape her reaction. As long as they do not succumb to fear and despair in her presence, it is unlikely she will figure out those are the requisite responses on her own.
As children move through the elementary school years, things get considerably more complicated. It is now virtually impossible to limit a child's exposure to news, and the child certainly has the cognitive capacity to comprehend and personalize what is going on. Consequently, parents should be prepared to deal with fairly intense emotional reactions and to handle a myriad of questions such as "Why did this happen?" and "Can that happen here?"
The key factor to consider at this point in development is that although the child is capable of logical thought, her thinking is strictly concrete. That is, things tend to be perceived as very basic and practical, and there is no ability to appreciate subtleties, incongruities, or anything else that requires abstract mental machinations. In other words, mothers and fathers must be ready to explain that "life isn't fair" and "life is unpredictable" to a child who can only make sense out of things that are, in fact, fair and predictable.
This is not easy. If the child has been taught that there is a benevolent God who rewards those who have behaved righteously and punishes those who have sinned, it is difficult to explain the concept of "innocent victims." And if the child has been told that her parents will always protect her, it is difficult to explain why those children on television who probably were told the same thing are now homeless, orphaned, injured, or dead.
The best that parents can do is to follow their child's lead. Wait for her to make comments and ask questions. Then respond as honestly as possible, and try to keep your responses consistent with whatever faith and philosophy you have been attempting to impart previously. Keep your comments relatively brief and refrain from taking the child beyond a point where she is comfortable. Allow her to determine both the direction and duration of the conversation.
It is also important to remain calm and in control yourself, and to back up your verbal statements with physical reassurance. It is unlikely that your explanations will make total sense and completely restore her sense of safety and security, but they can be greatly enhanced by wrapping your arms around her. Under these difficult developmental circumstances, a hug may be worth a thousand words.
If dealing with an adolescent, then parents must realize that matters are out of their hands for the most part. A teenager is a fully aware, extremely rational, and distinctly free thinker who is not going to be mollified by anything Mommy and Daddy can say. She is going to absorb and analyze the events almost entirely on her own.
Unfortunately, the end result can be extremely unsettling for two reasons. First, adolescents tend to be quite egocentric. They are inclined to personalize everything, and even though they may be expressing concerns for others, they usually are preoccupied with thoughts that something similar could happen to them. Second, while they have superb cognitive capacities, those capacities have not yet been tempered by a great deal of experience. Consequently, their abstract thinking about all sorts of possibilities can quickly get out of hand and create considerable emotional turmoil.
Therefore, parents must be prepared to do a lot more listening than talking. Give the child plenty of room to work out her thoughts and feelings. Then, whenever she asks questions or appears to be heading toward panic or depression, parents can simply attempt to provide a little perspective and re-direction. Use your greater knowledge and experience to explain why you also are frightened and sad but are able to refrain from falling into exceedingly dire straits. And try to re-focus the conversation on whatever positive aspects may be present. Point out the wonder and beauty of so many people giving so much of themselves to assist those in need.
Finally, lead by personal example. Whatever age your child may be, let her see you collecting and sending supplies, making financial donations, giving blood, etc. When dealing with disasters, it is impossible and improper to completely avoid or eliminate unpleasant emotions. But the more one helps, the less one hurts, and the more quickly the world starts to seem like a better place.
Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D., is executive director of The Epicenter Inc., "The Education for Parenthood Information Center," a family advisory and advocacy agency located in Lindenhurst, Illinois. His e-mail address is epicntrinc@aol.com.
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