Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ph.D.
Perhaps no other subject in childrearing has received as much attention in recent years as self-esteem. It seems as if every manual or magazine for mothers and fathers published during the past decade has included a treatise on the importance of a strong, healthy self-image along with a plethora of tips on how to make your kid feel terrific about himself.
Unfortunately, most of this material has been of considerably less than stellar quality. While the tendency for low self-esteem to cause significant problems in everything from academic performance to interpersonal relationships has been duly outlined, the recommendations for protecting and promoting this aspect of development have left parents with the impression that instilling self-esteem is as easy as pie.
Consequently, many mothers and fathers have employed simple practices that appear to be appropriate and effective but, in reality, produce merely superficial results. And when their children's self-esteem is truly challenged, it often collapses like a house of cards, making the entire process somewhat pointless and even counterproductive in the long run.
In all fairness, I will say the literature has done reasonably well when it comes to helping parents avoid potentially "damaging" deeds. Recommendations to refrain from ridiculing, humiliating, or insulting a child certainly make sense, as do the reminders to focus criticism on a child's actions rather than on the child himself (e.g., saying, "you did a bad thing" rather than, "you're a bad boy") and to back off unfair personal comparisons (e.g., saying something like, "do you think you can do better in school?" instead of, "why can't you get good grades like your sister?").
But when it comes to "building" self-esteem, that's where the literature routinely drops the ball. The fundamental flaw is that self-esteem is described as something that parents can present to their child. The fact of the matter is that self-esteem must be earned, and the best parents can do is to give their child opportunities for him to acquire it through his own efforts. The following are three ways in which parental attempts to promote self-esteem typically go awry.
"I Love You."
Many modern mothers and fathers have been led into the habit of what I refer to as the ritualistic, "I love you." Throughout the day, at the end of every personal interaction or telephone interchange, the parents make sure to say, "I love you" to their child. It is, of course, important to let your child know he is the object of your affection and that your feelings for him are unconditional. But this constant bombardment of "I love you" eventually leads to the phrase losing its power. After a while, the child barely hears the words and responds with a properly processed but distinctly uninspired, "Yeah, I love you too."
As far as I'm concerned, "I love you" should be used sparingly, and it should come across as a spontaneous response to something special instead of as a mundane mantra. For example, when the child elicits a chuckle, his parents can respond, "I love you... you make me laugh." Or when he performs his chores without complaint, he can be told, "I love you... you make my life easier." Or when he presents evidence of academic accomplishment, he can be told, "I love you... you make me proud." And when the child makes mistakes or misbehaves, he can be told, "I love you... because I know you're going to try to improve in the future," or, "I love you... because I know you didn't mean it and now will try to make amends."
Everybody Wins
The literature also has led many parents ‚ and teachers ‚ to ensure that any and every struggle a child goes through is met with success of some kind. For example, everyone in a particular class or scout troop is assigned a project. Upon completion, one child receives a gold star for "the most creative project." Another child receives a gold star for "the most interesting project." Another child receives a gold star for "the most colorful project." And so on and so on.
But kids aren't stupid. They quickly realize that if everyone receives a gold star, a gold star doesn't mean diddly squat. Tangible rewards and even praise should be reserved only for those accomplishments that truly merit recognition. Simply striving to be the best should not be equated with being the best.
Of course, constant failure and frustration is not healthy. But failure and frustration are not erased by waving a magic wand. The sensible thing to do is to take a two-fold approach. First, point out that the child's striving was commendable, but also note where and how it fell short. Let the child know that being the best isn't easy, but you are confident he will eventually get there if he is more conscientious, exercises more ingenuity, or whatever it takes. Make the child strong by setting high expectations rather than settling for mediocrity.
Of course, those expectations must be realistic as well as lofty. And let's face it, not every kid is going to be the best at everything. Therefore, mothers and fathers also have an obligation to search for opportunities for their child to experience true success. What kinds of activities attract your child and bring out the best in him? Self-esteem will come from being the best by being himself, not by being the same as everyone else. So, instead of him saying, "Yeahä I got a gold star too," it would be a lot more beneficial for him to say, "I don't know if I'm ever going to get first prize in a science fair, but I did get one of my stories published in the school newspaper," or, "I'm still struggling to get the ball in the basket on a consistent basisä but there's nobody that can beat me in a game of Scrabble."
Nobody Loses
The flip side of "everybody wins" also is becoming increasingly common. Many parents are not only granting success merely for effort, but they are placing their children in situations where frustration and failure are impossible. Instead of allowing everyone to win the competition, they eliminate any sense of competition completely. And they avoid the possibility of expectations being too high by abolishing competition entirely.
The ultimate example of this is the game of T-Ball. In virtually every community today, the first level of Little League Baseball involves a "game" where the kids hit a ball off a tee so nobody strikes out. Running the bases, fielding, and every other aspect of the "baseball" game is strictly for show. Everyone scores, but the score isn't kept. And the teams switch places only after everyone has been to bat, not when three outs have been made.
If you watch closely, you will see that all the mothers and fathers are constantly cheering, encouraging, and praising every move the children make. However, the kids themselves are generally lethargic and largely disinterested. Sure, they enjoy dressing up in the uniforms and fiddling around with the equipment. But without challenge, there is no real accomplishment. And with no true standards toward which to aspire, children do not gain a genuine sense of satisfaction.
Again, it isn't particularly helpful for a child to experience constant failure and frustration. But again, this is where mothers and fathers must work hard and not merely wave magic wands. A child's self-esteem will be strong if after striking out he is given good coaching and plenty of practice. It will not be enhanced at all by altering the nature of the game so learning the right methods and executing them properly really isn't necessary.
Maybe I'm being a bit harsh about all this. But think about it. Is there anything that I or anyone else can say or do that is going to automatically make you feel good about what you've done, are doing, or will do as a parent? No. All we can do is provide guidance and opportunities that may lead you to produce the sort of real childrearing results that will give you a good feeling. So when it comes to your child's self-esteem, don't merely supply him with something essentially meaningless and superficial. Give him a chance to earn something genuine. Yes, there is a possibility you may fail. But without that, there is no possibility you will succeed.
Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D., is executive director of The Epicenter Inc., "The Education for Parenthood Information Center," a family advisory and advocacy agency located in Lindenhurst, Illinois. His e-mail address is epicntrinc@aol.com.
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