Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D.
Kate and Eddie are dreading the next few months. Their 18-year-old twins, Amy and Justin, will be leaving for their freshman year of college. Although Kate and Eddie are prepared to say good-bye, they don't know what to say before then.
Kate and Eddie, you see, have been upset recently by recollections of their own college experiences. A number of questionable practices they pursued ‚ from cigarette smoking and excessive alcohol consumption to frequent premarital sex and sporadic drug use ‚ have come back to haunt them. That their children might engage in some of the same behaviors is their worst nightmare.
On the other hand, they must confess that some of these past exploits are part of cherished memories. While they intend to urge Amy and Justin to refrain from such extracurricular activities, they are having difficulty feeling a commensurate sense of regret over much of what they did.
Like many of their comrades from the counterculture days who eventually became mothers and fathers a decade or two later, Kate and Eddie are now confronted by a variety of sticky issues. As the memories, rationalizations, and recriminations swirl inside their heads, everything boils down to a simple question: What do we tell the kids?
They ceased ingesting illicit pharmaceuticals soon after graduation, and they have remained monogamous throughout their marriage. They gave up tobacco before Amy and Justin were conceived and imbibe only moderate amounts of alcohol. From their children's perspective, Kate and Eddie have been nothing less than stellar examples of responsibility and restraint.
But they wonder if they will be able to get away with the "do as I say, not as I did" routine. After all, their kids are not fools. Have they picked up on what appears to lie between the lines of the sanitized tales their parents have told about their own college days? Have they detected the grins dancing behind the frowns their parents displayed whenever they watched movies and TV shows depicting college students engaged in outrageous behaviors?
Some of their friends have said that fretting over all this is futile because no matter what you say, the kids are going to experiment anyway. Others have suggested that they can't stick their heads in the sand, but they have an obligation to lie because things are different now and being candid may diminish the kids' appreciation of the greater dangers that exist today.
Kate and Eddie are inclined to reject both of these approaches and go with a plan they refer to as "share and scare." They intend to be open about their own college experiences, but they also intend to be firm about the realities ‚ that their actions have had negative consequences and the world has changed dramatically during the past couple of decades. They figure this will preserve the trust they have worked so hard to establish with Amy and Justin, and simultaneously allow them to supply guidance.
There is no easy solution here, but Kate and Eddie can take comfort in the fact that they have selected a sound strategy. Honesty is always the best policy, and it is important to consider changes that have occurred over time. However, to be of maximum service to their offspring, Kate and Eddie must be sure to fully honor both of these concepts.
First, before they can be honest with Amy and Justin, Kate and Eddie must be honest with themselves. Were they truly "experimenting" with marijuana, or were they simply determined to get stoned? Was their promiscuity really due to an overpowering spirit of liberation that accompanied a unique cultural revolution, or was it merely the time-honored result of raging hormones combined with reduced supervision? Did they puff Marlboros and slurp Budweisers because they were victims of insufficient information and deceptive advertising, or were they typical adolescents with a desperate desire to be cool and no inclination to contemplate their own mortality?
Kate and Eddie must first clarify what could be considered a legitimate learning experience that helped them to become better people and what was simply a stupid mistake. Also, they must decide what is new in the modern world and what is identical to the past.
Second, acknowledging that things are different today means more than quoting the latest statistics from the Drug Enforcement Administration and the Centers for Disease Control. It also requires recognition of the changes in the parent-child relationship. Their kids are not kids anymore, and the role that Kate and Eddie can play in their lives has been altered accordingly.
When Amy and Justin were infants, they were incapable of distinguishing opportunity from hazard and determining right from wrong. They needed their parents to be omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent providers and protectors.
During childhood and adolescence, Amy and Justin gradually developed their own capacities in these critical areas and began to take charge of their own destinies. They needed their parents to be conscientious, consistent, and incorruptible instructors.
Now that they are venturing into early adulthood, Amy and Justin are armed with internal guidance systems. However, these systems have not been rigorously tested and probably could use some fine-tuning. So while parental control will be virtually non-existent and parental influence may be limited, Kate and Eddie can be of service. Like well-trained but untried pilots, their kids could benefit from a ride in a good flight simulator.
Although Kate and Eddie can no longer eliminate the dangers or dictate the rules, they can discuss the problems and possibilities. Instead of reciting data and repeating admonitions, they can sit down with their kids and explore the thought processes and feelings that shaped the decisions they made, and then frankly evaluate the consequences of those decisions in the years that followed.
For instance, Kate might note, "I went to bed with a lot of guys because I wanted to make a political statement about a woman's right to physical pleasure, and all I worried about was getting pregnant. I think I'd have less to prove and more to fear today. Furthermore, I failed to consider the emotional consequences of my actions. Sure, it was fun, but eventually I began to feel bad about taking advantage of the guys in this manner, and I felt even worse when I realized how they were taking advantage of me. Given that your father and I have required therapy to resolve questions of trust in our marriage, I wish I had focused on establishing relationships instead of making statements."
Similarly, Eddie might relate, "I got drunk on a regular basis to relieve the pressure I felt to excel in my classes. It seemed to be harmless recreation that helped me cope with the stress. But I'm ashamed to say it quickly got out of hand and, ironically, my studies suffered. As a result, I blew my chance to enter the job market at a high salary level. I had to spend several years proving myself before I saw the big bucks. I'm not sure if the fun I had was worth the financial loss, but I'm glad I was at least smart enough never to do something irreversibly idiotic like driving when I was intoxicated."
While any rigid pronouncements Kate and Eddie might make are likely to be undermined by the disreputable aspects of their own records, those aspects can be employed to give Amy and Justin a valuable sense of perspective. This sort of discussion may be awkward and embarrassing, but it may be the only way to put the past rest ‚ and to good use as well.
Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D., is executive director of The Epicenter Inc., "The Education for Parenthood Information Center," a family advisory and advocacy agency located in Lindenhurst, Illinois. He may be contacted via e-mail at epicntrinc@aol.com
May not be reproduced in any format without written permission.
