Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D.
When my grandson, Michael, was born, his older sister, my granddaughter Jenna, was about two-and-a-half years old. Like many parents, their mother and father, Sandy and Skip, were concerned about Jenna's reaction to the events and circumstances surrounding Michael's birth. After reading several books and magazine articles on the topic, and after listening to a number of people including friends, relatives, and hospital personnel, Sandy and Skip decided to "involve" their first child in the birth of their second child as much as possible.
Prior to Sandy checking in to the maternity ward, Jenna was read many stories about babies being born and about brothers and sisters. She was permitted to help her mother pack for the trip, and even asked her opinion about names that were being considered for her new sibling. Skip brought Jenna to the hospital every day to visit her mother and the new arrival, and Jenna was encouraged to hold her new baby brother, sing to him, and even assist in feeding and diapering him.
Various relatives expressed concerns about all this. They felt that the hospital would be a scary place for such a young child to visit. They feared that Jenna would be upset to see her mother "sick" in bed and that she would not understand why she couldn't stay in the hospital and/or why her mother couldn't come home immediately. In their opinion, Sandy and Skip were subjecting their daughter to experiences that had the potential to be emotionally traumatic.
As it turned out, Jenna did just fine. Of course, she missed her mother in the mornings and evenings, but frequent telephone calls alleviated some of that. She was a bit overwhelmed by the large, busy hospital during the first visit, but she quickly became accustomed to the hustle and bustle. And although she did seem a bit worried that her mother was in bed in the middle of the day, assurances that Mommy was okay were accepted easily.
Furthermore, Jenna got into the "baby" thing in a big way. She was intensely curious about her new brother and was thrilled whenever she was given the opportunity to touch him, hold him, and speak to him. She wallowed in the special attention that the hospital personnel and visitors lavished on her as the "big sister." And she had a ball playing with the flower baskets and balloon bouquets that had been delivered to the room.
Sandy and Skip were immensely pleased with the way things worked out. When Sandy and Michael were ready to leave the hospital, Skip brought Jenna to the room for the last time. He turned to her and enthusiastically inquired, "Should we take Mommy and Michael home now?"
Suddenly, a look of deep consternation crossed Jenna's face. In a quiet voice she replied, "Mommy can come home... The baby stays here."
This story illustrates a common problem that adults encounter when they formulate plans involving young children. The fact is that neither side in the original debate turned out to be right, and no one was able to self-righteously intone, "I told you so." And that's because everyone processed the situation through the channels of their own adult mindsets and they neglected to take into account that a young child is going to have distinctly different priorities, inclinations, and interpretations.
So, should the older sibling be "involved" in the birth of the new baby? The answer depends largely on the age of the child. Obviously, if the older sibling is still an infant, say a year to 18 months of age, she is going to be fairly oblivious to what is going on. Involving her in any substantial way is merely going to exacerbate whatever minor discomfort she will experience by having her normal routine interrupted for a while.
If the older sibling is more than three years old, then the best advice is to simply follow her lead. Instead of formulating a plan for her, ask her if and how she would like to be involved. Allow her to ask questions and express concerns, then proceed accordingly. At this stage of development, it is virtually impossible to predict precisely how the child will react to the situation either mentally or emotionally. Fortunately, at this stage of development, she is perfectly capable of communicating her thoughts and feelings, so it makes sense to use her as your primary guide.
The major danger here is the natural tendency for happy and excited parents to deny the child's feelings. If she says she is afraid when she goes to the hospital, take her home. Don't chastise her with "there's nothing to be afraid of." And if she complains that she doesn't like the baby, let her know that it's all right and that maybe her attitude will change with time. Don't chastise her with something like "that's not nice" or "that's not true... you love the baby!" Just be patient, accommodate her to the extent that is practical and permissible, and then continue to follow her lead as the entire family adjusts to the presence of a new member.
That leaves the perplexing period from about 18 months to three years of age. Figuring out what to do with a toddler is tough and regrettably, a toddler's capacity to provide information and insight is not that great. Consequently, those who claim to know exactly how to handle the situation with a child at this particular stage of development are only fooling themselves and fooling you. But I can tell you that whatever you do, things probably won't go very well. And I also can tell you that no matter how badly things go, it really doesn't matter much.
First of all, you have to look at what is happening from the point of view of the toddler. Her entire world is focused on her parents, so introducing a competitor for their attention is extremely threatening to her. Moreover, unlike an older child who may be able to appreciate concepts such as "family" and "privilege" and who may be able to contemplate how relationships will evolve in the future, the toddler can only apply very primitive thought processes to what is going on in the here and now. As far as she is concerned, attention equals love, and that's all there is to it.
To appreciate this, contemplate the following scenario. You are a woman who has finally met the man of your dreams. You fall in love and get married. You proceed to experience bliss that you never even dared imagine. Then one day, he announces, "Honey, I've got great news. Next week, I'm bringing home another woman to live with us. She's a little younger than you, and because she's going to be new to our family, I'm going to be spending more time with her than with you for a while. But she is going to be our second wife, and I expect you to love her just as much as I do."
Clearly, you are going to find that situation intolerable. Yet that is pretty much the kind of situation many parents expect their toddler to accept gracefully. Forget it. Even if the toddler displays some level of acceptance and even enthusiasm initially, it is likely to be largely superficial and will quickly turn into anger, jealousy, and resentment. There are no "tricks" that can be employed in and around the time of the sibling's birth that will avoid this, and the only "cure" is considerate and conscientious parenting over the course of the following months and years.
Meanwhile, you can relax in the knowledge that given the extraordinarily limited memory capacity at this point in development, it is virtually impossible to make matters much worse. Let's say the toddler is severely frightened by the hospital setting or flips out when forced to leave her mother behind when it's time to go home. The notion that the child will be "traumatized" is nonsense. Whatever emotional discomfort she experiences will be momentary, and it is highly unlikely she will even remember what happened after a few months have passed. My granddaughter, Jenna, laughs hysterically whenever the story of Michael's birth is told, but she has absolutely no personal recollection of the event whatsoever.
So go ahead and "involve" the toddler if you are inclined to do so. Just don't expect whatever involvement takes place to have any positive, enduring impact. And if you are not inclined to involve her, don't fret that you've squandered an opportunity to ensure a loving and peaceful sibling relationship. Finally, if you do or don't involve her and something intensely unpleasant happens as a result, don't condemn yourself for causing irreparable emotional damage to your older child. Everything we know about how the mind develops during the early years of life indicates that no single event of relatively moderate magnitude is going to make a truly significant difference in the long run.
Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D., is executive director of The Epicenter Inc., "The Education for Parenthood Information Center," a family advisory and advocacy agency located in Lindenhurst, Illinois. He may be contacted via e-mail at epicntrinc@aol.com.
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