Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D.
Every once in a while, I am asked to teach a course on "Adolescent Psychology" at a local college. At the start of the first session, I always suggest to my students that they might want to consider asking for a refund of their tuition money. I tell them quite honestly, "The notion that I or anyone else really understands what's going on in the mind of a teenager is absolutely ridiculous."
Of course, that isn't completely true. We do have a handle on some of the bizarre mental machinations associated with this period of life. And while a knowledge of these may not enable parents to be particularly proficient at dealing with their teenager, perhaps it does encourage them to be a bit more sympathetic and patient.
First of all, it helps to realize that "adolescence" is an artificial construction of our modern world. Throughout history, and even throughout much of the world today, the concept of a special period between childhood and adulthood has been non-existent. The term "adolescence" was coined by a psychologist only about 100 years ago in response to an industrialized society's new requirement that individuals obtain substantially more education and maturity prior to being granted full citizenship status.
Previously, the transition from child to adult was a smooth, gradual affair. As soon as one was capable of performing adult roles, one was placed in a position to perform those roles. While puberty typically was celebrated with some kind of rite-of-passage ceremony, passing through the teen years was no big deal. Consequently, parents should understand that much of the anger and angst associated with adolescence cannot be blamed on those convenient "raging hormones." Teenagers are crazy largely because this unnatural modern phenomenon would drive anyone insane.
Think about it. Five hundred years ago, the average age at which individuals achieved sexual maturity was roughly 15 or 16. At what age did young people get married back then? That's right ‚ 15 or 16. As soon as you were feeling those powerful sexual urges, society placed you in a position where satisfying those urges was permissible and even applauded.
Today, thanks to better health and nutrition, the average age at which individuals achieve sexual maturity is 13 or 14. And what is an acceptable age for marriage these days? Most people are not comfortable with a couple entering into matrimony until they are at least in their mid to late 20's. So, we have created a period of 10 to 15 years when your body is screaming at you, "Have sex! Have sex!" and your society is admonishing you, "Don't have sex! Don't have sex!" That has to drive you nuts.
Meanwhile, can you remember being a teenager and doing something silly? Your parents came down on you like a ton of bricks, shouting, "You can't do that! You're not a child any more! You're not a child!" A little while later, you asked for the keys to the car so you could attend a party. Now they shouted at you, "No way! When you're adult you can do that! You're not an adult!" The resulting realization that you are stuck in this not-a-child-and-not-an-adult limbo of increasing responsibilities without commensurate privileges certainly is enough to drive you over the edge.
Now to be fair, I should note that not all of the anger and angst is induced by society. There are some things going on developmentally within the adolescent mind that inevitably cause problems as well. The fact is that the teenage years bring a major advance in cognitive functioning, and the side effects of those advances can be extremely annoying.
It is during adolescence that an individual first becomes capable of abstract thought. This opens up a whole new dimension of contemplation. One can not only think about what is and what was, but about what will be, could be, and should be as well. The teenager is now titillated and taunted by the sometimes wonderful and sometimes scary world of possibilities.
Naturally, one is inclined to first apply these newfound thinking abilities to oneself. This results in a preoccupation with one's own thoughts and feelings; what is referred to as "adolescent egocentrism." So, for instance, everybody is getting ready for Uncle Harry's funeral. You walk past your teenager's room and hear her sobbing uncontrollably. You open the door and remark comfortingly, "I know, Sweetheart, we all loved Uncle Harry and will miss him terribly." Your teenager lifts her head and wails in reply, "Look at this zit on my face! I can't believe I have to walk around with the world's biggest zit in the middle of my forehead!"
That egocentrism is exacerbated by another irritating side effect referred to as "imaginary audience." Adolescents become extremely self-conscious and spend a lot of time primping because they are thoroughly convinced that everyone is looking at them all the time. Anyone who has had the misfortune of sharing a bathroom with a teenager knows she will be in there for hours making sure every article of clothing is properly adjusted, every accessory is correctly selected, and every hair on her head is perfectly in place. After all, as soon as she walks out the door, you can forget about Uncle Harry and the rest of the population living or dead ‚ she will be the center of attention for all family, friends, and strangers. A comment that "Nobody will notice" ‚ with either a tone of comfort or aggravation ‚ will fall on profoundly deaf ears.
Perhaps the most difficult side effect to deal with is referred to as the "personal fable." Teenagers are thoroughly convinced that they are the only ones to ever think and feel the way they do and that their experiences are unique in the annals of mankind. So, for example, your adolescent has a falling out with her boyfriend of a few months and again is sobbing uncontrollably. Your attempt to console her by saying, "Everybody goes through this kind of heartache with their first love" is met by the furious response, "No! Our love was the purest, deepest love there has ever been!" And incredible as it may seem, she truly believes that. Offering "been there ‚ done that" comments such as "I know what you're going through" or "I went through the same thing at your age" is like trying to throw a raw egg through a brick wall.
And then there is the immensely irritating "idealism/hypocrisy" combination which comes from the blending of abstract thinking and lack of "real world" experience. Your teenager will rail against you and other members of your generation for spending billions of dollars on bullets and bombs when a small fraction of that money could be spent on food to save all the starving children in Africa. Remarkably, before you can respond, she will insist that you give her $200 so she can go to the mall and buy that cashmere sweater that she absolutely must have to wear to school on Monday.
I wish I could offer parents some pithy advice for dealing with all of this. But if I had the answers for dealing easily and effectively with the adolescent mind, I'd be on a private island counting up my vast financial fortune instead of sitting at my keyboard. All I can recommend is that you give your teenager as much room as possible, exercise a little empathy, pick your battles wisely, and be patient. Constant condemnation makes the situation a lot worse, and time does tend to solve those problems that often are impervious to the strongest and most well-meaning parental efforts.
It's helpful to remember that although your teenager's seemingly irrational behavior and attitudes may be aggravating and even alarming on occasion, at least she is acting and thinking "normally" for an individual going through this particularly difficult yet mercifully temporary period of life. And it also helps to recall the anecdote often told by the famous American author and humorist, Mark Twain: "When I left home at the age of 18, I thought my father was the stupidest man on earth. When I returned home at the age of 21, I was amazed at how much my father had learned in those three short years."
Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D., is executive director of The Epicenter Inc., "The Education for Parenthood Information Center," a family advisory and advocacy agency located in Lindenhurst, Illinois. He may be contacted via email at epicntrinc@aol.com.
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