Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D.
Parenting would be a lot easier if one could get away with the old "Do as I say, not as I do" routine. Maintaining consistency between words and actions isn't easy, but the consequences of failing to do so are inevitable. Children always get a stronger message by observing the actual behavior of their mothers and fathers than they do by listening to their admonitions and instructions.
This is especially true during the early childhood period. For one thing, infants, toddlers, and preschoolers have a lot to learn. They simply don't know how to act or react in certain situations and constantly turn to those who mean the most to them for guidance. Furthermore, their capacity to comprehend verbiage is quite limited. What they see is far easier to understand than what they hear. And even with what they hear, it is the inflection and tone that carries more weight than the words.
Think about the following scenario. A 15-month-old toddler is unsteadily navigating his way across the floor. He picks up some speed, but then trips and falls ‚ hitting the ground fairly hard. What does he do next?
If your answer is that he starts crying, you haven't observed closely. What usually happens is that he picks up his head and looks around. Then what he does next is determined by what he sees his mother or father doing. If the parent rushes over screaming, "Oh! My little darling! Are you hurt? Oh no!" then you will see the child launch into panic mode and start wailing loudly. On the other hand, if the parent looks over and casually remarks, "You're okay, keep going," the child will pick himself up and continue on his way with nary a sign of distress.
The term for this is "social referencing" and it is a very powerful ‚ and often insidious ‚ phenomenon. Think about a three-year-old accompanying his parents to the local shopping mall. He sees a man in a wheelchair and becomes intensely curious. He walks over and starts asking questions. "Why are you sitting down? How come your chair has wheels on it?"
Deeply embarrassed, his mother and father rush over and start ushering him away, saying "Leave that man alone, don't bother him." As the years go by, the child develops an inappropriate attitude about the disabled ‚ regarding them not as fellow human beings with whom it is pleasant and easy to interact, but rather as strange creatures to be shunned and avoided. Then, when someone points out that he is behaving this way, the parents remark, "I don't know where he got that from ‚ we never taught him to be that way."
Or think about a four-year-old sitting with his parents as they watch a football game on television. The home team flounders on defense, giving up a touchdown in the final minute to lose the game. Mom and Dad throw sofa cushions at the screen and yell, "You idiots! You suck! I can't believe this!" A few years later, the child is playing Little League baseball. A teammate bobbles a ground ball, allowing a run to score on the error. The child throws his mitt to the ground, kicks the dirt, and starts berating his teammate for blowing the play. Sitting in the stands, his deeply embarrassed parents quietly intone to those around them, "That's terrible, but we don't have any idea where he learned to be such a poor sport."
Things lighten up a bit as children get older. For one thing, they start accepting input from sources other than their mothers and fathers. Relatives, friends, neighbors, teachers, and people the child observes on television and in the movies tend to make the responsibility of the parents non-exclusive. However, their power to shape their child's behavior always remains significantly greater than that of others.
In addition, the cognitive capacities of older children do allow them to recognize and respect the fact that the world does not always operate in a neat an orderly manner, that there are exceptions to every rule, and mitigating circumstances may be considered in many cases. However, those more sophisticated cognitive capacities also make children more aware of inconsistencies and permit them to wrap their minds around the concept of "hypocrisy."
Consequently, telling a child that he will be grounded for life if he is caught smoking is not likely to have much effect if one is puffing on a cigarette while issuing the dire warning. And one shouldn't be surprised if he is caught cheating at school sometime after hearing Mom and Dad gleefully declare that they were able to hide some income and avoid paying Uncle Sam the full income tax due.
It should be noted that dealing with the responsibility becomes considerably less onerous when one realizes that social referencing works quite well the other way too. Watching your child shrug off a disappointing failure, dig in, and try again is as exhilarating as the aforementioned scenarios are devastating. And seeing your child stick his hand in his pocket, take out the few precious coins that he has, and then drop them in the Salvation Army bucket without prompting will generate as much pride as the aforementioned scenarios will generate shame.
Therefore, mothers and fathers should keep in mind that the formula is really very simple: Be the kind of person you want your child to grow up to be. As a parent, you have the awesome responsibility for shaping your child into a caring, compassionate, responsible citizen of the world. You also have the wonderful opportunity to work on becoming exactly that yourself. The easiest and most effective way to mold is by modeling rather than mandating. And the payoff is even more rewarding when you realize you've produced two good people for the price of one.
Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D., is executive director of The Epicenter Inc., "The Education for Parenthood Information Center," a family advisory and advocacy agency located in Lindenhurst, Illinois. He may be contacted via e-mail at epicntrinc@aol.com.
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