Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D.
President Harry Truman once remarked that the key to successful and stress-free parenting is to find out what your child wants to do and then tell him to do it. Pretty good advice. But what do you do when your kid changes his mind? Do you continue to ride along with his ever-changing whims or is it important to make him face the consequences of his decisions at some point?
This is a rather complicated question. Clearly, it is a good idea to give children choices. If we constantly tell our kids what to do, they will never learn to take control of their own lives. On the other hand, if we allow our children to constantly jump from option to option without ever requiring them to make a significant commitment, they will never learn to control their lives in a sensible and responsible manner.
As always, a wise solution is rooted in an appreciation of the developmental process. A simple rule of thumb is that young children should be permitted to make small decisions but should be less obligated to make a commitment, while older children should be permitted to make bigger decisions but should be more obligated to make a commitment. Unfortunately, I've noticed that some modern parents seem to be using a different formula.
Let me give you an example. A few weeks ago, I attended one of my five-year-old grandson's tee-ball games. All the children were dressed in snazzy baseball uniforms and provided with all the appropriate baseball equipment. But what ensued was more like a circus than a sporting event. While the adults were pushing, prodding, and shouting out instructions, most of the kids were wandering through the outfield grass picking dandelions, watching bugs crawl through the infield dirt, chatting with each other, and otherwise not paying attention. As a result, during the one-hour game, five different children ‚ including my grandson ‚ were hit in the head by fly balls they never saw coming.
It was obvious to me that the majority of the five-year-olds on the field would have preferred to be doing something else. When I asked the mothers and fathers sitting in the stands why they insisted that their kids participate, I was told that the kids had said they wanted to sign up for tee-ball. And furthermore, a substantial amount of money had been paid to register the kids for the league, so absolving them of their commitment would be an inappropriate waste of money.
After the game, everyone went to a local fast food restaurant for a snack. The kids were all asked what they wanted, and whatever they chose was purchased for them by their parents. I then noticed that several of the kids, upon seeing what their friends were eating, decided they wanted something else. With some complaining and criticizing, but without exception, the parents returned to the counter and obtained the alternate choice for their children.
Neither of these scenarios makes much developmental sense. The mind of a typical five-year-old has about as much stability as that of a fruit fly. To set up a situation in which the decision of such a young child results in a commitment that costs a couple of hundred bucks and lasts for eight weeks is ridiculous. Meanwhile, even such a limited mind is capable of deciding on a snack. Even though the expenditure is relatively insignificant, failing to require a five-year-old to stand by this sort of simple decision is irresponsible.
If we were talking about 10-year-olds, the dynamics would be decidedly different. At that point in development, the decision-making involved in signing up for Little League and the decision-making involved in selecting something for lunch both would be on a intellectual level that the children could be reasonably expected to handle and of a time frame and financial outlay magnitude that the children should be reasonably required to respect.
Of course, formulating good decision-making scenarios is not an exact science. But it isn't rocket science either. Think about it. In our greater society, legal contracts are not binding if the individual signing on the bottom line is less than 18 or 21 years old. We recognize that major decisions necessitate a commensurate amount of intellectual maturity to fully contemplate all the options and comprehend all the possible consequences. And only when it is assumed that the mental maturity is there do we obligate an individual to take total responsibility for the outcomes.
When it comes to parents and children, making assumptions strictly according to chronological age is not a particularly practical route to take. So while legal counsel need not be introduced, there does need to be plenty of communication and a lot of common sense does need to be applied.
Now let's consider a hypothetical example. Suppose you are a parent who believes strongly in the value of musical education. You decide that your child should select an instrument and take lessons. Should you pick out an instrument for your child to play or permit him to make that decision himself?
If you are thinking developmentally, an obvious factor is the age of the child. If the kid is six years old, allowing him complete freedom of choice probably will result in "drums" almost every time. If you don't feel that is appropriate, you can reduce the choices to piano, violin, trumpet, and a few others you feel are more suitable. Then, once your child has made his choice, make sure you rent rather than buy an instrument. Although purchasing may make more financial sense in the long run, it is highly likely that your child will change his mind after a period of time. And while encouraging him to "stick with it" definitely is proper up to a certain point, steadfastly insisting that he shall forever live with a decision he made at six years of age is unfair and ultimately unproductive.
However, if the kid is 12 years old, it is a different story. Now the child is more aware of the options available and can better comprehend the consequences of his decisions. So if he goes with "guitar" or something else he feels is "cool," he can be indulged with the understanding that he will be required to "stick with it" for as long as it takes to justify the investment or he will be required to pay for any alterations to the agreed upon plan with whatever money he is capable of saving from his allowance, receiving as gifts from generous grandparents, or earning on his own.
The opportunities to effectively teach good decision-making are abundant as long as you are aware of them. For instance, just the other night, I took my five-year-old grandson and his nine-year-old cousin to a family restaurant that featured an "all-you-can-eat" buffet. I spent a lot of time with the five-year-old. I guided him toward what I felt were appropriate selections, let him make some choices within the parameters I set, judged the portions for him, etc. And when he later decided he didn't like some of what had been selected, I urged him to "take another bite or two" but did not insist that he finish everything on his plate.
Meanwhile, the nine-year-old was allowed to get whatever she wanted. But it was carefully explained to her that I would not tolerate wasted food. She was instructed to take small portions of whatever seemed appealing, and told that she could always go back and get more if she wanted. However, she also was informed that she would not be permitted to return to the buffet until all (or at least most) of what she had taken on the previous trip had been consumed. I can't say that there was no subsequent complaining by her and cajoling by me, but the overall experience was quite easy-going and enjoyable for all.
I don't mean to imply that teaching children about decision-making is always simple and easy. And I will readily acknowledge that it can get quite tricky during the years between early childhood when virtually nothing can be expected and adolescence when a lot can be expected. However, when mothers and fathers are armed with awareness, inclined to engage in extensive communication, and prepared to apply common sense, they can rest assured that they will routinely make the kinds of good decisions that will enable their children to eventually make good decisions too.
Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D., is executive director of The Epicenter Inc., "The Education for Parenthood Information Center," a family advisory and advocacy agency located in Lindenhurst, Illinois. He may be contacted via e-mail at epicntrinc@aol.com.
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