Pediatrics for Parents

Shy Kids

Anat Cohen

As a preteen, my daughter, Noa, never socialized. Like many shy kids, she told herself that studying was much more important than a social life. When friends invited her to parties or picnics she would prefer staying in her closed room with a book and she would find different excuses to explain her absences. This aloofness became a problem when one of her peers turned to her once and asked, "Why are you such a snob?" Only then she realized that her self-defeating shyness was misinterpreted by society.

She was perceived as arrogant when the opposite was actually true. Noa was trying hard, maybe too hard to interact but this only escalated her discomfort. She often told me, "Mom, I just do not know what to say most of the time. If I talk to someone I will say the wrong thing and embarrass myself. I discovered it is better not say anything at all."

Her distress worried me a great deal but I kept hearing the common consolation that she "will grow out of it." I felt, however, that without taking active steps and seeking help, this kind of social phobia may worsen over time.

Shyness is a great disadvantage for children. Our society favors bold and expressive kids while shy kids are perceived negatively. Those who share the stress of shyness find it difficult to change by themselves. Many times they feel like cripples wondering what feeds the aloofness.

While there is no actual external barrier to keep them from joining the group, they feel hindered by anxiety. Even mild shyness might lead to school phobia, social anxiety and emotional stress. The good news is that parents can offer lots of support and help by using strategies that will help children learn to play, share, cooperate, and negotiate.

Recognizing a Shy Kid
Shy kids are easy to recognize in class and in social groups. Although they appear to be quiet and calm, they are anxious because of their constant fear, embarrassment and insecurity. In social events, a shy kid wants to shrink and escape. When circumstances force him to stay with the group, he is tormented by worries that he is being judged. No matter how much he tries to conceal his unease, he may express it through one of the following signs:

Reluctance to Speak in Public
A shy kid will not raise his hand in class to read his homework even if he has done an impeccable job. In open discussions, he would rather be quiet. A shy kid will rarely disclose his opinions and beliefs.

Gaze Aversion
A shy kid finds it difficult to make eye contact. If she does talk to someone, she will lower their eyes to the ground. She may also try to conceal part of her body by other teens in the group, by a wall or by a pillar nearby.

Social Withdrawal
A shy child rarely initiates phone calls, makes invitations or makes social calls. Her favorite activity is spending most of her time in her private room, where everything is familiar and secure.

Social Avoidance
When a teacher turns to them and invites them to participate in public discussions, they speak in a low voice and will barely be heard. Their anxiety levels increase substantially when a social event like a party or a class picnic approaches.

Initiating a simple dialog with someone they like in class seems laborious, strenuous and sometimes even grotesque.

The Biology of Shyness
Shy kids might tell you that a great part of their unease lies within their body's reactions, which seem beyond their control. The typical physiological symptoms of shyness originate from the amygdala, a gland in the brain which is in charge of recognizing danger in our surroundings. According to Dr. Lynne Henderson and Dr. Philip Zimbardo, founders of the Shyness institute in Palo Alto CA, physical signs of shyness might be:

•    Blushing
•    Cold sweat in the palms
•    Palpitations and accelerated heart rate
•    Dry mouth
•    Speech dysfluencies such as lisping, stuttering, truncation, and confused talk, usually in low voice
•    Restlessness, nervousness, fidgeting whenever someone is trying to make contact.
•    Feeling faint or dizzy, butterflies in the stomach or nausea

These unmanageable and embarrassing symptoms worsen the situation, causing the teen more embarrassment.

How to Help Your Kid Conquer Shyness
Parents can be a great support to a shy kid. Being aware of how he feels and showing empathy for his stress is your best strategy as a parent.

A very common mistake is to call your child "shy." This suggestive label will eventually push the kid to fit the label. Being pushy and pressing him into going out with friends is another common faux pas. Such a strain yields nothing but unease, insecurity and anxiety.

Patience, listening and gentle encouragement are useful tactics when approaching a shy kid. Explain to him that developing social skills is similar to playing a musical instrument. Practice makes perfect. The more he exposes himself to society, the more he will feel confident and relaxed.

Dr. Bernardo Carducci director of the Shyness Research Center at the University of Indiana and the author of the book Shyness: A Bold New Approach, advises taking the following strategies:

Teach Your Kid To Take It One Step At A Time
Spur him to start with small parties or events that include only two to three participants. If this is too much for his current ability, he can start meeting privately with class members that he perceives as less threatening.

Always assure him that taking emotional risks is necessary to gaining social skills and freeing himself from the limiting shyness. However, never push him to do things or activities that he perceives as unendurable.

Direct Your Child's Attention To His Body Language
Subliminal cues like voice volume, gait and posture convey a strong message to his environment. Show him how to talk more slowly and loudly, to lift his chest, to pull his shoulders down and back, and to walk slower in order to convey a message of confidence.

Shy kids have excellent imaginations. Advise your kid to use this mind power to envision positive scenarios. If he is about to ask a friend to spend some time together, encourage him to visualize the meeting as a success.

Small talk is a great tool to lessen shyness. Embolden your kid to talk to anyone he meets in daily life: the postman, the neighbor, relatives that pop to visit, or even other kids in the dentist's waiting room.

You can be famous, rich, bold or successful and still be shy. It may be hard to believe, but celebrities like Al Gore, Sting, Barbara Walters, Eleanor Roosevelt and Princess Diana defined themselves as shy.

Did You Know That?

•    Shy kids have a tendency to have narrow, elongated faces relative to their peers.
•    Shy kids tend to suffer more from allergies. Also, their sense of smell is much more developed in comparison with regular children.
•    Humans are not the only creatures who suffer from shyness. This trait exists among animals such as dogs, sheep, cats and fish.
•    Shyness is a function of geography and culture as well. A high percentage of Japanese and Taiwanese kids are extremely shy.

Anat Cohen is a graduate of the Hebrew University in Medical Sciences. For the last 14 years she has been working as a reporter covering health, education, technology and the environment.