Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D.
A few days ago, I was having dinner with my wife and some friends at a somewhat upscale eatery. As we attempted to enjoy our fine dining experience, we were continually annoyed by a couple of children sitting with their parents at a nearby table. These kids, apparently in their early teens, shouted at each other, threw food, and even left their seats to run around the establishment on occasion. At one point, I heard an equally peeved patron across the room state in voice loud enough for all to hear, "Don't they know how to behave in a restaurant?"
It occurred to me that the answer to this question probably was "No." I watched the kids carefully, and I realized that they were not being deliberately bothersome. They were merely having fun. They seemed totally oblivious to the effects of their behavior on others, and they apparently had no clue that what they were doing was inappropriate in any way.
Of course, this was not an isolated incident. In restaurants, theaters, museums, and other public places, it is not uncommon to see young adolescents acting in ways that suggest they have yet to leave the preschool period and certainly do not indicate they are preparing to enter the world of adults.
One's first impulse is usually to blame lax parenting. After all, it is the job of mothers and fathers to make sure that their offspring mind their manners and not detract from the well-being of other people. But in this particular area of social skill development, I think there is something else - an insidious socio-cultural trend that has been undermining the efforts of conscientious mothers and fathers or at least allowing them to be relatively lazy in this regard.
Think about it. From the time modern-day children are able to venture outside the home until they become teenagers, they are routinely taken to the countless restaurants, theaters, museums, etc. that cater specifically and exclusively to them. At these establishments, the kids are not only permitted to engage in childish behavior, they are actually encouraged to do so. Consequently, they arrive at adolescence with little or no exposure to environments in which they could - and should - receive some very important lessons in public civility.
Now before going further, I do want to point out that I have no objection to the basic idea of these establishments. I have often stated that the real problem in some situations is not the child's behavior, but rather the unreasonable expectations placed upon that child's behavior. Requiring a young child to sit still and be quiet for prolonged periods of time, and/or to refrain from touching interesting items, can be both cruel and futile. Taking the kid to a place where "kids can be kids" definitely makes things easier and more enjoyable for everyone.
However, it is imperative to keep in mind that if a child is rarely if ever exposed to any other kind of environment, the child will not get sufficient opportunities to learn critical life lessons. It is wise to consider these establishments the candy and ice cream of the social world. It is perfectly all right to give the kid a "treat" once in a while, but it is an absolute necessity that the kid be given vegetables as well. A steady diet of sweets may be greatly appreciated by the child and eliminate the need for parents to engage in struggles, but it will not result in healthy development and it ultimately is not in the child's best interests.
Unfortunately, this is precisely what is happening with many children today. Instead of being gradually and carefully integrated into the larger society, they are continually relegated to the children's ghetto. While this ghetto is filled with excitement and fun, and while the kids are not likely to complain, the fact of the matter is that it denies them the chance to learn and eventually be included gracefully in the larger society as full-fledged, responsible, and respectful members.
What needs to be done is not difficult. There is a wide spectrum of establishments out there between those designed specifically for kids and those designed specifically for adults. Yanking a kid out of Chuck E. Cheese and thrusting him into the Ritz will probably create a devastating culture shock and therefore will be largely unproductive. But taking him to the local family diner and then to a modestly formal restaurant in between should provide plenty of opportunities for him to be duly educated in a relaxed and forgiving fashion. The key is match the environment to behavior that is reasonable to expect at the child's particular level of development, and to make sure the experience contains sufficient fascination and frivolity to maintain the child's motivation and promote his cooperation in the educational process.
Let me give you a wonderful, albeit extreme, example. When I was three years old and my sister was five, our parents were checking out the upcoming theater openings in our hometown, New York City. Being big Broadway buffs, they figured that one of the productions was likely to be a big hit. It was a musical based on a play by George Bernard Shaw, it was starring the acclaimed actor Rex Harrison, and it featured a relative newcomer named Julie Andrews, whose talents they had observed previously in a small Off-Broadway show. Convinced that this combination could not miss, they ordered four tickets in well in advance of the opening. Their plan was to use two of the tickets for themselves and invite another couple to join them for what they predicted would be a wonderful evening at the theater.
Regrettably, when "My Fair Lady" opened a few weeks later, its success far surpassed what my parents had imagined. It was by far the hottest show on Broadway, and people were ready to sell their souls to get tickets that quickly became exceedingly scarce. My mother and father were now faced with an uncomfortable dilemma. Any couple they invited to go along with them would be their devoted friends for life. On the other hand, every other couple they knew would hate their guts and never speak to them again. What could they do?
Their solution was to take me and my sister to the show. They explained what kind of behavior would be expected of us, and they informed us that any breach of theater etiquette would result in our being removed from our seats and taken to the lobby for the remainder of the evening. I must say that the rules went far beyond what it would be fair and reasonable for a three-year-old and a five-year-old to follow. Fortunately, we were dealing with "My Fair Lady."
I will never forget the hateful and horrified looks on the faces of the adults sitting around us. It was bad enough that my parents were wasting such valuable tickets on little kids, but to put the enjoyment of other patrons at risk by placing those little kids in their midst was simply unforgivable. But I also will never forget how entranced my sister and I were by the sets, the costumes, the songs, the dancing, etc. We sat through the entire production in silence with our eyes transfixed on the stage. And I recall receiving congratulatory pats on the head from several of those people whose hateful and horrified looks had slowly transformed into admiring smiles.
Yes, my mother and father took a huge gamble and got lucky. Nevertheless, this story illustrates a fundamental point. Children can only succeed in adult society when they are taught what to do and given ample chances to implement, practice, and perfect the skills they learn. If their early lives are spent exclusively in the children's ghetto, they may have tons of fun, but they are surely doomed to become a bother to others later on when they inevitably will be forced to go beyond its walls.
Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D., is executive director of The Epicenter Inc., "The Education for Parenthood Information Center," a family advisory and advocacy agency located in Lindenhurst, Illinois. Contact him via e-mail at epicntrinc@aol.com.
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